It’s been a relatively slow week around here..nothing terribly exciting involving the boys. But I felt the urge to post something a little more introspective today. I just finished reading a book (I won’t divulge the title or author, because it’s not quite appropriate..), and found myself looking deep into myself and why I do the things I do. Do I do them just because that’s how I’ve always done them, or do I actually have a reason and understanding of what I’m doing?
I’m struck by the realization, that most of what I do is just going through the motions. Motions that have become instinct because that’s how I’ve always either done them that way, or how I just react to any given situation. Shortly after finishing by book, Tiki comes over with one of the toy guns and goes “boom”. Kids instinctively do things because that’s how God created them. For instance, give a little boy a car, and he will start making car noises and driving it, without the benefit of someone teaching him that. Give a little girl that same car, and she will drive it, but she’ll also have a running monologue with that car.
So does this instinct that God gives us, also give us the right to, as we get older, just continue using that instinct? Or, should we use the mind and experiences that God also gave us to really understand what we’re doing and how we’re living our lives?
As a parent, I’m charged to teach my children and bring them up in the ways of the Lord. As a child, I had the benefit of being brought up that way, yet I have found myself not necessarily straying from those teachings, but not quite utilizing them the way I should have.
I’ve always prided myself on being a strong person. I am very independent, and very rarely ask for help. That has at times, caused problems, as I dig myself into a deeper hole than was necessary, or caused me to miss out on something. I have tried recently to be a little better about that, but it’s still a struggle. I have also prided myself on knowing what it is I want, even if I don’t quite know how to get it. That has been shot to pieces in the last couple weeks, and I have been left with this sense of helplessness towards my future. It’s very humbling, scary, and in the same sense exciting!
It’s been interesting the last couple of weeks, how God has brought several events, be it a conference, or sermon, or a book, or the death of a coworkers’ husband, that have really pushed me emotionally and spiritually. I’ve come to a better understanding of myself, or at least why I do what I do. I don’t know yet how to react to this, or where to go from here. All I do know, is that it doesn’t really matter what I do, only whether I let the Lord lead me to where He wants me to be.
It’s a tough place to be, but maybe, that’s the point.